A while ago I was speaking with a co worker and she brought up several of her, “bad”, exes as she often does when speaking about men. About half way through the talk I began to realize she assigned each and every one of her exes the blame of ruining their relationship. She also concluded they all had negative impacts on her life. What is sad is that this is a common feeling amongst adults who have been around the dating block a bit. I believe this is very flawed and dangerous thinking. Now let me start by saying I am no relationship expert, in fact I am divorced. Nevertheless ( Yup…skipping right over that to my enlightened point) I feel that I took away and learned a lot from my relationship with my ex. I recognize (formerly amidst much anger and frustration) there many things she said to me and pointing out in my life that have been of great benefit to me.
I honestly believe that no matter how a relationship ended (cheating, abuse, etc…) we have the opportunity to grow immensely. You see even if all of your exes were truly bad, that tells you something about yourself and the pattern of choices you make. All five of those, “bad”, guys did not come without red flags and if those girls keep taking all of your money you should probably stop leading with that aspect of your life. To me (get ready for a typical male comparo) dating is KIND OF like buying or leasing a car. With each subsequent vehicle choice you learn things to watch out for, features that work well with your lifestyle, and things that are more fashion than function in your daily driving.
This is just a short and simple post, but I feel a valuable reminder for us not to fall in the subtle pitfall of electing ourselves blameless post break up. Honestly if you are always blameless, you will indeed always be the victim. Now go on, test out my unfounded theory. Really think about past relationships as you meditate, sit in bed, or let that fresh break up settle in. It is okay to be angry. In many cases anger (temporarily) prevents us from allowing the person to do additional harm by coming back to the scene of the crime. Nevertheless we must determine whether some of the hurt was self-inflicted or could have been avoided by us studying past situations we been a part of. Anyway I hope this post finds you well and growing.
The Khaki Observer